


Identity

by andadobeslabs



Series: Identity [1]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Angst, F/F, F/M, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Heavy Angst, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3169319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andadobeslabs/pseuds/andadobeslabs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hurt Asami to lie to Korra. It hurt her so badly that every once in a while she would stay up all night in their shared bathroom and sob while Korra slept peacefully in the next room over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Identity

It hurt Asami to lie to Korra. It hurt her so badly that every once in a while she would stay up all night in their shared bathroom and sob while Korra slept peacefully in the next room over.

She did this a few nights a week, or had been for the past few months, telling Korra she was working late and wouldn’t be home before bed. “Don’t wait up for me.” She’d say, laughing, through the receiver of the phone.

“I always do. I knew what I was getting into when I started dating a workaholic.” Korra would respond, and Asami would try not to think of Korra eating dinner alone next to the radio.

But that night would be different. Partially because she was going somewhere she had never been before, on the other side of town, and also because Korra’s words were running through her head like an endless loop, distracting her from getting even the smallest amount of paperwork done.

_“You know what I’m so attracted to, about you?” Korra asked, that morning, as Asami was leaving for work. “It’s like you’ve got this masculine energy sometimes, but you look so feminine. People have all of these ideas of what kind of person you’re going to be by how you look, and then you prove them wrong. It’s sexy.” Korra kissed Asami along her jawline, just distracted enough by her own love not to notice that Asami was struggling to hold back tears._

The first thing Asami did was kick off her heels.

Asami tried not to think of what young Jinora had said to her few years ago, now, while he was putting up his hair.

_“When I first met you, I thought you weren’t going to be very smart,” Jinora confessed, at some point between the action of pursuing the Red Lotus and the loving glances exchanged in secret between the Avatar and the non-bender, “I thought that girls who wore makeup and dressed girly weren’t supposed to be taken seriously. But you’re different.”_

_“You shouldn’t make assumptions about people because of how they look.” Asami pulled uncomfortably at the ruffly hem of her blouse._

_“I know that now. But that’s thanks to you. I’m glad I met you.” Jinora looked up at Asami in a way that made Asami realize she was looking **up** to her, as well. Instead of feeling pride in that moment, she felt exposed. When Jinora attempted to hug her, her breath caught in her throat and she pushed her away gently. She apologized, but sees the disappointment in the airbender’s eyes in her nightmares, sometimes. _

Asami tucked every strand delicately into his hat, and sighed deeply. No matter how he arranged the strands to look messier, it always looked obvious to him. He lathered his strongest soap between his hands, and roughly cleansed his face of all of the makeup she had spent all morning applying with just as much attention to detail. Finally, he shed her clothes from the day, replacing her skirt with a pair of his loose pants, and before putting a new shirt back on, tightly wrapped cloth around his chest to make everything fit just a little better in his eyes.

He waited until well after the building was empty to leave for the night, locking everything as he went. He definitely made the right choice not to install any kind of surveillance, despite Varrick’s insistence that it would be better for company security.

Too bad the biggest secrets in this company were his own.

Asami had never been to this club before. Other clubs, yes. But after (over)hearing glowing reviews from one of Future Industry’s interns, he decided to check it out. It didn’t seem much different, security was much more heightened than the other clubs he had been to, but that was a good thing really.

When Asami presented _her_ ID hesitantly, the bouncer took a look at it, and then at him, clicked his tongue and raised his eyebrow before saying “I guess I can’t judge,” and finally letting him into the club.

Asami was not much of a dancer, and made his way towards the back to his usual spot at any club: the bar.

He took a seat slightly off to the side of the bartender, so as not to interrupt business, and ordered a gin and tonic before spinning to view the attendees.

A man sat down next to him, quite a few years older, and asked if he wanted another drink.

“I’m taken, sorry.” Asami smiled at him, and the man shrugged it off.

“I’m offering you a drink, not jumping into bed with you.” He laughed, and Asami did too. Asami finished off his gin and tonic and the man next to him ordered him another. Asami had been propositioned before, and always turned them down, but something about getting hit on by gay men was extremely reassuring. He felt bad about it, but he never acted on it or lead anyone on, so who was really hurt?

Asami didn’t know anyone at this club. That was reassuring, too. Though his eyes were drawn to a specific attendee... Not romantically, but out of curiosity. He couldn’t read their gender, they looked neither male nor female, but moved familiarly. Asami studied their face for a minute before they turned and the two of them made eye contact. As soon as he saw the scar, that scar, Asami knew exactly who it was.

Lin Beifong.

Wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible, though certain the damage had already been done, he slammed the drink and apologized to the man he was talking to. Asami pulled out a handful of Yuans and left it on the bar, told him to buy himself something, and quickly rushed towards the door. Before he was able to make it out of the door, Lin had already put their arm out to block him.

“Wait, let’s talk.” Lin proposed before Asami could escape. Asami looked up at Lin and his eyes started to water. Defeated by Lin's persistent glare, he eventually nodded and they headed out the door together.

Unfortunately it was a warm day, and Asami couldn’t blow off his shivering as a result of the temperature.

“I actually thought you were Mako from a distance,” Lin joked. “That explains the whole Korra thing, I guess.”

“Korra doesn’t know.” Asami said quickly, and pleaded with the Police Chief. “And she can’t. Not yet anyway.”

“So you’re not out, then.” It wasn’t a question, even if it was worded to sound like one. “What are your pronouns?”

“Right now?” Asami asked, and Lin had a puzzled expression. After a few-seconds-long quizzical look, Lin gave Asami a look of understanding.

“Does it change?” Lin asked

“I don’t know…” Asami gave an exasperated sigh. “I feel like a girl sometimes, but I feel like a guy sometimes too. I don’t mind it when people call me she and her most of the time, but every once in a while someone calls me a girl or I look in the mirror and I just want to cry right there. 'He' for right now, I guess.” Lin patted Asami reassuringly on the back, somewhat awkwardly as well. Lin wasn't exactly known for being affectionate. “How about you?”

“Singular they. They, them, their.” Lin recited as if it was something they said often. Asami just nodded. “Not that I hold most people to it, though. Republic City might be progressive, but not that progressive.”

“Maybe Zaofu.” Asami joked, and Lin nodded through their own laughter as well.

“Is this your first time out tonight?” Lin asked, and Asami shook his head no. “If you brought Korra, you’d get hit on a lot less.”

“I don’t think Korra would take it very well.” Asami admitted, and Lin sighed.

“She might not.” Lin stated. Asami frowned. “Tenzin sure didn’t. But you shouldn’t live your life according to other people. It’s suffocating after a while.”

“It’s not just Korra,” Asami started. “My whole reputation, heck, my whole identity is based around the fact that i’m such a strong person while also being ‘so feminine’. I can’t just turn my back on that now.” Asami started to speak faster, heat building in his face. “I’m heralded as some kind of woman idol for young entrepreneurs, I can’t just tell everyone they were wrong about me. It’s not fair to women as a whole, really-“

“That’s ridiculous.” Lin interrupted. “You’d be an idol no matter what your gender is. Your accomplishments aren’t any less legitimate because you were a guy some of the time.” Asami stood in silence, and nodded reluctantly. “Don’t come out if you’re not ready, kid. Don’t torture yourself either.”

“Thanks, Lin.” Asami smiled, "I guess I should go." She shook Lin’s hand, and the two of them parted ways. While Lin went back to the bar, Asami walked back home. To his and Korra’s home.

But something about seeing Korra through the window, sitting on the couch next to the radio, clearly in a good mood, probably listening to a pro bending match, hit Asami right in the resolve.

Asami thought about how it could go down, walking into those doors dressed as he was, and Korra crying. Korra being upset with Asami for keeping it secret, certainly, but also the unknown. Would Korra leave him? Would Korra tell all of their friends to stay away from him, that he was a freak? Would this ruin Future Industries?

Would Asami get to kiss Korra ever again, share a bed with Korra ever again, have the life together with Korra that Asami spent so long dreaming about?

Asami, eyes full of tears, walked shamefully back to his office. Unlocking every door as he went.

When she got to the bathroom, the first thing she did was take of his shirt. She unwound the cloth constricting her chest and exhaled. She took off his pants and replaced it with her skirt. She put her makeup back on, meticulously. She took off his hat and let her long waves fall down her back, brushing out the tangles.

Finally, Asami slipped back into her heels.

She left the office for the night this time, headed back home. She might tell Korra the truth one day, but not now. Not today. It wasn’t worth it.

Although she was shaking, she had to remember not to cry. It would mess up her makeup, and she couldn’t have that.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, i'm sorry for that. Unfortunately this idea came to me and just needed to exist. Thanks for reading!


End file.
